Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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