Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
you never un-have a 4some
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
