I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
