I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
