If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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