He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
