my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
