well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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