After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
