I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
