Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
