I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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