this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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