saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
