dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
