Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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