god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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