Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
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Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
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I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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