she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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