is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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