I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
