this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
