we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
