i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
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all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
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Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more