I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.