All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."