Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
