I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
