i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
