So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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