Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
