So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
