margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
