When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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