I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
