Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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