Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
