I just threw up on my dentist
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
