Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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