Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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