She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
