I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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