dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
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You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
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Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
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