how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
