He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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