he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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