My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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