I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Randomize
