My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
