also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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