I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
