I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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