I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
