so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
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I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
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I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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