i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
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I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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