I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
