Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
