I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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