I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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