I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it was like eating out sand paper
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
